My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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