cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
