so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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