My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
