Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
being pregnant is like rehab
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
