i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
