Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They took my balls.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
