Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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