The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
