I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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