i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
