I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
