I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
