woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
