what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
