i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
