btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
