onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
