What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
