I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Farmville is her only friend.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
