dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
third nipple confirmed
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
