Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
