I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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