Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
