yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
