I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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