just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
