his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
