So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
