I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
