What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
