Sponge bath it is.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
