omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Less talking, more tequila
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
