Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
