my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
