Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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