Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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