He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
