i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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