my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
