Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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