I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
