so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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