i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
