Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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