I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
