you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
