oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
