But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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