it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
