she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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