Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
